continuing with Bloom Book Club and Ann's book One Thousand Gifts...
Chapter 4
A Sanctuary of Time
I am always in a hurry.
My kids have stopped asking if we are late. Now they ask "how late are we?"
I am horrible at guessing how long something will take, and I never plan time for transition. My daughter is pretty good at taking life on the fly, but it grates the souls of my husband and son. They are not the hurrying type.
I wish I wasn't.
I remember chatting with some other moms, sharing my grand revelation that in order to maintain a "calm" life I have learned I can only do one thing out of the house each day. Another mom, a friend I respect, replied incredulously that she can only handle one thing a week!
Her reaction hit me in the face, and my mind instantly brought up a comparison of our two homes:
Hers ~ clean, organized, decorated, regular meals on time.
Mine ~ messy, cluttered, thrown together, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants meals.
Hmmmm... maybe she was on to something?
This quote comes to mind often,
"Whoever is in a hurry shows that the thing he is about is too big for him." ~ Lord Chesterfield
But Ann's words sink deeper yet,
"Hurry always empties the soul." (pg 67)
"In a world addicted to speed, I blur the moments into one unholy smear." (pg 66)
And when she ponders about a funeral she witnesses from afar,
"And did he, the deceased, push to get through each day so he'd be first lunging over the finish line, life done?" (pg 65)
It struck me. Our culture tries to evade death, well, like the plague! But we hurry through life like we are in a sprint.
We run faster and faster, but at the same time try with all our might to avoid the finish line... lunacy!
Is that true of me?
I would say there was a time of life when, yes, it was true.
All of my life I desired motherhood. I bought my first parenting book when I was nine years old at a garage sale. I started babysitting the minute I turned eleven. I took child care classes. When I was married at the young age of 20 we decided to allow God to choose the size of our family (so far his number is much lower than I had in mind. {grin}) And I spent six years chasing parenthood before a babe was placed in my arms.
Every moment since then has been a mortal's effort to completely stop time, or at least find the rewind button.
The tighter I grip sand from the hourglass, the faster it pours between my fingers.
Ann speaks my thoughts exactly.
"I speak it to God: I don't really want more time; I just want enough time." (pg. 67)
"I just want time to do my one life well." (pg. 68)
I remeber a story of when I was a little girl. I had been playing outside and then came in to ask my mom question.
"What day is it today?"
"Tuesday."
Satisfied with the answer I went back out. After a little while I returned.
"Now what day is it?"
"It's still Tuesday."
This repeated several times throughout the morning. Finally I reached my breaking point and exclaimed:
"How long is this day going to last?!?"
How different from my life now! It seems that I just blink and a week goes by!
I don't think I could ever fill of babies and children. I want each day with mine to last an eternity. I wish I could just hit the pause button. As my babes grew into toddlers and then children I cried at every milestone. I cried with Iris because it was a first. I cried with Harry because it was a last. And while I have loved each stage as it has come, I would rewind to the first day in a heart beat - just to do it all over again.
If some women can have 12 children once,
why can't I have my two children 6 times? {grin}
So as I read the next few pages, my ears are pricked. Ann has my full attention.
"Time is a relentless river. It rages on, a respecter of no one. And this, this is the only way to slow time: When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow to the torrent with the weight of me all here. I can slow the torrent by being all here. I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment." (pg. 68)
Is this the secret to achieving my heart's desire?
"This is where God is.
In the present. I AM - His very name. ....It's not the gifts that fulfill, but the holiness of the space. The God in it. ....This is supreme gift, time, God Himself framed in moment. I hardly breathe... and time is only of the essence, because time is the essence of God, I AM. This I need to consecrate: time.
I may never wear shoes again." (pg. 69-70)
Now my perspective is properly shifted. This isn't about me. This is about Him.
Why does it seem easier to stop time for selfish reasons than for selfless ones? I was looking for more time with my children... and I find God?
Is it really that easy?
Maybe... maybe if I slow down enough to enjoy the moment I won't need the world to stop. Perhaps I don't need to binge and gorge myself on every moment? Maybe simply savoring it will be enough?
Maybe God is enough?
My head has always known this, but I feel like for the first time I am beginning to believe it.
"It takes a full twenty minutes after your stomach is full for your brain to register satiation. How long does it take your soul to realize that your life is full? The slower the living, the greater the sense of fullness and satisfaction." (pg. 76)
My heart swells at the thought - I have found my holy grail. The book could end here and I would be satisfied. I get both. More of my children, and more of God.
Ann tucks in one more treasure to be pondered,
"This day is not a sieve, losing time. With each passing minute, each passing year, there's this deepening awareness that I am filling, gaining time. We stand on the brink of eternity." (pg. 77)
Could I look on the world like this? I hardly dare to imagine. I pray it may it be so.
And so I will continue to search for my Creator. I will turn every moment inside out ~ savoring. I can no longer imagine any other way I would want to live this one life.
